-deep breath- okay, anyone who knows me knows that I am a semi-neat/organized person who hates clutter. I want to believe that I am a hard worker; Sometimes even do more than asked or push myself to the limit for other people or situations without thinking about anything in return. I do try my best an I am honest about myself and work. I take pride in what I do and even carry extra burdens. I shouldn't really call them burdens because I choose to take it on - burden isn't the right word. I work harder because I want to or feel the need to help out in any way I can.
For example....I have taken in a total of around 150 cats into my home. I've made flyers, videos, albums - anything to get these lucky ones a home. Does anyone know how long it takes to make one flyer?
Another example....some 'tasks' that aren't even mine to complete (may it be for a friend, family, or even a co-worker) I become engrossed in it and downright obsessed about if the task is completed correctly or even to my very high standards I hold for myself. Regardless if others say "why bother SO much if all you're suppose to do is help? it's not even your problem."
Sometimes I do become stressed and sometimes when one kitten dies or one job I become involved in comes out differently than what I had planned - I feel as if it's the end of the world and I never want to take another kitten home or become involved with other people again. But I still keep going no matter what - sometimes to the point where I make myself physically/mentally ill.
Even if I don't make myself ill - even if I just happen to get sick or some unexpected illness or accident comes along and I cannot complete a task or help a person that needs help - I become strung and bound by guilt.
obsessive compulsive.
I want to believe that I have gotten better over the past few years of growing up.
When I get into something....I'm REALLY into it. I go all out till I can't go no more. When I first played DDR I never stopped playing. I played for 3 days straight. It's all I did - it's all I wanted to do until I perfected it.
At school when projects were due. I went out over-the-top above all standards. My projects were always big. And even if I was horrible at the presentation (because I don't do well with speaking and usually it was huge part of our grade) I would still receive an A+ and extra credit because my projects were so over the top perfection and I understood every aspect of them.
On top of this I will say.....I hate this part of my personality. Becoming engrossed sometimes to a point where if it's not perfect, if someone's not happy, if
standards aren't met, if an accident or sudden sickness takes over preventing me from my work - it all falls apart - I fall apart feeling worthless. I'm susceptible to criticism or guilt. Then it's all or nothing and sometimes I want to just stop.................Stop breathing
Stop working
Stop living
But then that ONE line of -
I bounce right back and want to please and do my best again.
It all backfires. I start to think maybe I should stop. Stop working so hard and pushing myself. People start expecting it all the time or even more than what I input and I struggle and fight to keep to their standards along with my perfection. I want to not care so much but end up caring more. I want to be needed but not to an extend to where a big part of a job or work is troubled because I can't complete it or can't attend to complete it. I want to be 'normal'. I shouldn't have to feel guilty or made to feel guilty for not completing something to a T. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about breaking a leg, getting sick, becoming stressed, getting in a car crash, etc... because it prevented me from completing my duty. I shouldn't have to care -
Why do I care SO much?
I am like this too. I do this all the time! In the very least, I can assure you that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI will spare you the details and try to keep it short. In my case, it isn't always that I set standards that are too high to uphold (though I won't deny that this is often true). Most of the time it is that I can't bear to forgive myself for mistakes that anyone would make simply because humans are not perfect. There is a difference. Even if I set manageable standards, if I make one little slip towards reaching it, my life spirals out of control. It doesn't always occur to me that some things are just beyond my power. I want to carry burdens that are not mine, take on responsibilities for things that don't concern me. Forgive me if this isn't making sense. Feel free to overlook this psycho babble/mind fart/ whatever you want to call it.
No - it's fine =) I understand exactly!
ReplyDelete