Fostering/Adoptions are pretty slow this year =/ it’s discouraging and stressful. I have stopped all wildlife rehabbing for the rest of the year and as soon as the foster kittens are gone I was advised by my therapist to take a 6 month break! That will be hard seeing as I’m around cats/kittens every single day of my life! My squirrels are in the care of another rehabber due to stressors and a health related issue in my life right now. I feel bad but I can’t help other living things if I don’t take care of myself – still something I’m learning.

Kittens were on meds as well as the mom cat for constant diarrhea. Squirrels were getting bigger and feistier, and the one squirrel was an un-releasable due to brain development issues. Not to mention the normal stress from work and recently it’s been crazy busy and it doesn’t appear like the animals have disintegrated in numbers at all – just keep coming in!

It gradually happened but I pushed the care of the squirrels completely off to my hubby. Half of my conscious didn’t even notice it at first, but by the time I did he had already become stressed himself. In which I tried to place the squirrels elsewhere. On top of that there was still the kittens which I never stopped treating but the pressure for him to help was there. Trying to relieve some stress by putting on another person just causes more stress – doesn’t fix the problem as I found out the hard way.

Due to the stressors building again it took a hit on relationships and almost ended my whole well being in general. At first I just tried to kind of push it off to the side and just ignore the problems and just do what I could to fix them. But the frustration was still there and I just pushed it further inside myself.

I’m a very persistent and stubborn person – I will shove myself until I collapse even if that means using the people around me and putting my own health at risk. I want to do a lot on top of normal stuff that needs to be done everyday – my own pets for example and cleaning the house. That MUST be done daily to no fail – animals are messy and people are messy – it just HAS to be clean! It is also a way of ‘control’ for me. I can clean and fix that problem. Re-arranging things, tearing things apart, and scrubbing everything to make it smell and look good always helps some of the stress.

When I clean to a full extent, start moving things around, and just can’t seem to sit still; it basically screams stress/anxiety, but when I do it I feel good so I don’t fully realize how stressed I really am till something more alarming happens…like an episode – which, yeah, that happened.

I can think of quite a few things I’ve done over the past month or two that I just didn’t catch on to. I dusted for one…I hate dusting. I mopped the floors and picked up all the rugs and even tried re-arranging the rugs! I haven’t fully mopped since Will left for Hong Kong.Then I took it a step further and tore the refrigerator from the wall….cats toys, food, and DUST galore! I am surprised that I didn’t die from inhaling all the cleaner I used. After that I decided to move the bookshelf that weighs 5 times the amount I do and move the coat rack to the other side of it. Why? I don’t know I just felt like switching them. I moved onto the bedroom….the mess that never ever goes away on Hubby’s side of the room. Well that was the last straw! Everything that was near, on, or around the bookshelf/bed/computer desk was taken off and thrown on the bed –piles of stuff- and I didn’t stop there…I took my dresser and ripped it from the wall to put it on the other side of the room, only that there wasn’t enough room so I also had to move the computer/printer and desk.

My intention was if I have my dresser there and the computer desk right next to it followed by the bookshelf then there won’t be room to pile stuff on the floor around them. All of this undoubtedly pissed Will off at first but I was basically screaming for help without completely realizing it until it was too late and it was a way I could deal with it at that particular time – but it just got worse and I ended up having an episode anyway.

I will also mention that recently (we did this as a couple) we ripped out carpet from our side room only to switch it with colorful pieces I found the ‘secret area’ in grandma’s house and did a full scrub down/re-arranging cleaning of the cat room. Washed everything, scrubbed litter boxes, vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed walls etc…took us all day.

It appears that things have gone uphill then downhill very quickly; as it always is with me. I won’t even mention the ER visit as well as doctor visits x_x. There is never a true middle ground for me – always one extreme or the other. Kings Dominion was fun and so was kayaking. We were planning a trip to Busch Gardens but had to cancel due to my health issue. Why can’t I ever just get a regular cold or flu? Nope, has to be something completely out there instead.

Independent Insanity

Images of death shrouds this demented mind
My lifeless breath shortens as oxygen is hard to find
Useless understanding falling through an endless void
Relentless demanding leaving doubt with sanity annoyed

Questionable actions engulf all thought
Grim satisfactions turn all to naught
Prideful tides protecting but drowning
Constant collides making bodies pounding

Unbearable pressures taking their tolls
Extreme measures taking our souls
Needles pinning down cold hearts
Words like knives chopping inside parts

Rendering myself useless
Concluding yourself clueless
Cutting and killing my sanity for independence
Realizing that insanity makes perfect sense

Colleen Lok
9/26/14