Ugh – not again – I spent a good hour or two in bed last night half asleep/half awake re-living a nightmare. I wanted to just fall asleep but was kept half way. Some things you don’t forget and then it makes it hard to forgive. Though, some things are unforgivable. Why do I feel like I still get those looks from family? Like I’m the black sheep, the ugly duckling? Am I still my ‘mother’ in peoples eyes? Even when I have proven myself time and times over?

Look….I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t ‘party’…not saying that any of that is horrible and I don’t like the ppl who do – that’s not the case. The case is that I have basically devoted my life to trying NOT to be like my mother – because everyone always said that I would be like her, that I AM like her. And I have done numerous things to prove that wrong.

There are some things I hate that my family has done. Note: I didn’t say I hate them – I said I hate ‘things’. For instance – I spent last night re-living the nightmare of the days surrounding my wedding and thereafter. Let me say this clearly….:

--I REGRET having a wedding--

There I said it. And it’s not what people think. I regret it because of family; something that I shouldn’t have to regret. Will and I should have just gone to the court house and signed the papers – it would have saved me and him a ton of anxiety and stress.

I’ve wrote it before. And now I’m going to detail it further – because I need to. Before the wedding there was endless amounts of fighting/phone calls/and doubt. Regardless of what anyone said to me I was set on marrying Will. Nothing was going to make me think twice and no one was going to stop me. I was told many things of what I ‘should’ do and sometimes ‘made’ to do. Seeing how I am the most stubborn person on earth when I become set on something – family seemed to attack Will. Yes, attack, I used that word. I don’t know exactly what was said because he was constantly ‘pulled’ to the side. But regardless of what people said he seemed to keep it to himself and told me that he was going to marry me. He wasn’t going to be shaken either.

So wedding day…I was driving Will, Billy and Leigh-ann (I think it was those two), up to Brandywine to the church and we stopped off at the McDonalds in Prince Frederick because those two wanted something to eat. Not two seconds after they got out of the car I turn to look at Will and he is crying. Like legit crying – not those petty cries with one or two tears. I was confused but somewhat not. I knew it had to do something with what someone (my family) had said. And I was right. The whole problem here was ‘trust’ NO ONE trusted us, no one trusted him.

Okay – some background here. ---It was Will’s first time flying over to another country by himself – his first time in America. We hadn’t seen each other in over a year – the only one who had met him in person in my family was my dad. No one else knew him. They knew him from me talking about him and us talking online for years.

Will’s family had NO CLUE he was coming over to get married. So yeah – there was controversy over that, BUT most people do not know how Asian families are. Will even said straight up that if he told his parents he was going to get married they wouldn’t have let him come over - period. Plus, most of the Asian culture wants Asians to marry Asians. Will says he does not regret it. He wouldn’t have the life he has now if he didn’t make that choice.

So after seeing Will cry and KNOWING who made him cry – I was just furious. I wanted to call it all off right there and then but he and I knew that was exactly what everyone else wanted us to do. So we stuck together and continued on.

Getting to the church, I was pulled away in a small room to do my make-up and put on my dress. I had my friend Leigh-ann aka Rei do my make-up and hair. I liked the way she did hair and make-up. And I thought she did it fine – I could just tweek it a bit and it would have been okay for me. But others thought that it was ‘way too dark’ not ‘proper for a wedding’ etc etc…

So…Rei was actually kicked out of the room eventually and I had no clue what was going on exactly. Supposedly there were rude remarks that I didn’t hear etc etc… Anywayz, I had like 3 people touching up on my face – blush, lipstick, eye shadow - I ‘hate’ blush – personally I don’t need it. I HATE lipstick – it makes my stomach feel sick – I prefer gloss. And I don’t really care for eye shadow either. I LIKED Rei’s just mascara and liquid eyeliner. And that’s all I wear now anyway; maybe shadow every once in a while.

My biggest regret that whole time was keeping my mouth shut. I feared that if I did say something that the opposite would happen anyway and it would have been worse. Honestly I’ll just say it right now. I looked like a clown. I would have looked better with no make-up at all. I was young – 18 years old – did I REALLY need all that freaking make-up on my face? No I didn’t. But regardless – I kept my mouth shut – pretended that I liked it and went on. I just wanted it all over and done with.

Special note to Rei if you are reading this:
--I am sorry for my family’s actions and I regret not saying anything. I remembering you telling me once that they made me look ugly…I won’t hold that against you because it was true. I thank you for your effort and coming to be there for me and staying even after that incident.

So continuing that….there was some pictures taken before hand and they were…okay. I really hated every single picture I was in because of the make-up. There are only a FEW pictures that I half like from the wedding and they are either because you can’t really see the make-up or it’s further away from the camera so it doesn’t look so bad. The actual walk down the aisle wasn’t that bad. I tried not to make eye contact with people because I didn’t want to see their expressions – I did glance over to my friends – all smiles – so that helped. My brother Phil had his JROTC crew there and I am thankful for that. He practiced and they had it down perfectly. Though, it made Phil act serious the WHOLE wedding time -_-.

After the I do’s and everything I got my kiss. It was my first ‘real’ kiss. I’ve had pecks on the cheek and lips but no ‘real’ kiss before that. So when Will kissed me I could feel that he wasn’t going anywhere and we would get through it all together. That it’s done and over with and no one could do anything about it. That he would make it all right.

It was a battle the whole time and even after the kiss when I thought the battle was over it really had just begun. I was at war with my family because I married someone that they didn’t know, someone out of this country, someone that wasn’t the same citizenship or race as me. Everyone always seemed to have worried looks on their faces. Those looks that I got when I was younger like I was going to end up just like my mother.

I felt like I had to be proper the whole time. I was told to do this and that – it wasn’t any fun at all. I wanted to change out of my dress. I even brought extra clothes – but I couldn’t even do that. The reception was okay. I could really see who came and whatnot. There were some that didn’t come at all. For reasons unknown. I wanted to sit at the table with my friends, Will and me at their table. But instead we got a table to ourselves…um..okay? I don’t care if it’s not ‘proper’ or ‘orderly’ for a wedding, but it was MY wedding – so shouldn’t I be able to sit where I want to?

The cake was good – Will smashed it in my face but then he wiped it off for me so it was all good fun =) the reception wasn’t all that bad but some just seemed like it was another party or something. Like it wasn’t really something to cherish or remember. I doubt anyone even remembers. Some people were genuine and trying to help but even those people had that look on their face or in their eyes. I could tell. Worried, anxious, non-trusting, am I really my mother??

There are only two pictures I keep from my wedding that is Will and I – Eric tried recording my walk down the aisle but for some reason the battery died or something or other happened and I got nadda. Which prob isn’t too bad cuz I really want to forget that day.

After the reception I was clueless. Everyone was outside and I was getting pushed out the door. Then I realized. Oh yeah…the bird seed. So I figured, ah this will turn out okay – Will and me walking happily to the car waving bye to everyone while bird seed lightly raining on us – like in the movies ya know? ---Boy was I WRONG.

We got PELTED with it - Thrown AT US. Mainly by people who were immature in the first place but some others that I expected better from. I tried MY BEST not to scream at everyone. Then I glance over to see someone whispering in Preston’s ear – the car was half in my vision and I wasn’t trying to look around to much for fear of bird seed in my face. Well here comes Preston with a hand full of bird seed, reaches up and grabs the back on my dress…I hear it rip. This wasn’t an expensive dress cuz it was front he thrift store but still – it ripped around the collar of it. After that he shoved a hand full of bird seed down the back of my dress. It was all in the lace and took forever to get it all out. I actually never got it all out. At that point I really thought I was going to loose it. I open my car door so I could just get in and leave so I didn’t cause a huge scene because that’s what everybody wanted. Well the car was filled with balloons that we had to dig out so I couldn’t leave. I started to loose my cool after that. No more fake smiles, no more soft talks, no more. My tone became flat and more holding back than anything else until we finally left the parking lot.

How cruel can people be? My own freakin’ family. Unforgivable. One of the WORST days of my life, I would have been happier going to the court house. Maybe it’s a good thing I have no video or pictures of my wedding – I don’t want to remember that day, but at the same time I can’t forget it. It’s a plague on my memory…unforgettable and unforgivable.

Time afterwards was better after we got away from everyone. We spent time together in a St.Marys hotel. That was the honeymoon. It consisted of watching movies in the hotel room, going back home to get Miracle to take him to get his shots and microchip, wandering around Wal-mart and other stores cuz Will had never been to them before. I went back and forth from the hotel to home numerous times. It wasn’t a honeymoon. It was just some time for us to talk and just be together. The actual marriage ‘becoming one’ deal wasn’t actually sealed till almost a year later.

UGH – that’s that. Rant over --

Will left back to England a week after we got married. That was tough and a whole other story. But – we made it. And now it will be our 6th anniversary this month Nov 25th.


But yet I still get those looks from family; I’m the black sheep; the ugly duckling. I may LOOK like my ‘mother’ in peoples eyes but I am NOT her. I have proven myself time and times over and I will continue to do so.

For those of you still waiting for something bad to happen to Will and I – that we’ll be separated or divorced….well keep waiting. You can wait till hell freezes over because it will NEVER happen. We have gone through too much pain, discrimination, and hardship to be together. We have beaten the odds and proved many wrong. I have never gotten one apology from the people that need to say ‘sorry’. And I probably never will. But I won’t ever forget – never. So keep waiting….just keep waiting.