Had a few good times with friends and family the past 2 months or so. Took Char to the zoo in Richmond – they had a lot of baby animals there this time! It was well worth the trip and we all had fun. I loved the baby ostrich chicks =3
Several other gatherings took place and another reason for me not updating in a while is that I had started my Final Fantasy XIII-2 game and I have finished it! There is still some things left in the
game that I can do – tons actually =3. I really hated the ending tho…..played all those hours just to get a “to be continued…’ screen! WTH? But the game is really great. You have lots of freedom. Noel is now one of my favorite FF characters next to Balthier, Squall, Cloud, and Vincent of course lol! Another reason is just that I’ve been busy these past 2 months. Here and there, gotta do this and that etc etc… I’ve been trying to keep up with it all but I’ve found I’m just burning myself out ‘again’. I haven’t been to therapy in a few weeks – especially ever since the rabbits came in at the shelter…the 250 rabbits! Yes – that number is NOT exaggeration! I feel bad because I really want to go over to the wildlife center and get some more hours in, take more pictures/videos, get more experience in general, but I haven’t been there in quite a while which is eating at me. I feel guilty that when I do have my days off – recently – I’ve been really ‘self indulging’ I guess is the word. I just want time with Will or friends or family, but at the same time I haven’t been giving myself needed space that I thought I didn’t need. There’s just stuff that I say ‘I really need to do this’ –like go to the wildlife center- or –make my fosters flyers- or –re-organize/clean much needed spaces- or –workout-….but I’m finding it harder and harder to accomplish any of those…and in the past week – I haven’t gotten any of that done…except the flyers and I still have one more of those left.
I have five foster kittens right now which isn’t a bad number, but if there is something wrong with just one of them then it’s like I have double the number – ugh. And one just isn’t eating the way it’s supposed to and I have a potential adopter waiting for him and they’ve already waited about a month or more – frustrating-
Today though I’ve hit my limit I guess. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had been literally fighting for 3 days and kept trying to keep myself moving, but I kept waking up with the same feeling and desire. Monday night seemed okay-ish, but Tuesday morning was a different matter. I fought within myself and tried not hold Will back. Regardless, I did talk to him and he stayed home with me that day. The feeling subsided and I figured that was what I needed – just he and I time - but it didn’t go completely away – he had just numbed it.
Wed morning he had gone off to work and I fought within myself again. I didn’t hold him back this time, I didn’t say a word. I picked up the phone 3 different times to call out of work but put the phone back each time telling myself that I ‘needed’ to move on. I ‘needed’ to keep living. I did it. I went to work despite my urges, but those urges stayed. It took effort and sanity to keep myself from harm during those morning hours. I kept mostly silent then tried talking some, but it all felt different. It felt distant – like I was getting no where. I didn’t want to go to lunch, but was urged to and I didn’t want to bring up anything ‘out of the ordinary’ at that time. Many thoughts crossed my mind and the kitchen wasn’t the place to be – thoughts I won’t post here.
The end of the day came and everything still felt dead. Like I’m just here – there; just doing things because I ‘have’ to, living because I ‘have’ to, but why do I ‘have’ to again? All feelings were gone. I got home and saw Will – just a spark was there but then nothing. I felt like doing nothing. All my favorite things to do when I get home were no longer there. Usually I get straight to working out then shower and we decided on a nice dinner, watch something or play something. That is a usual night after work. ---Not last night. I had no desire what so ever to do anything. I wasn’t even hungry.
I lied in bed and stared off into another world. Will stayed with me, tried to talk to me, but some talking just made it worse. After minutes of silence I just held onto him. I fought with myself. Again I told myself that I shouldn’t be wasting time like this...I ‘need’ to get up. So….I put on a half-hearted smile and got up. I finished left over potatoes to see if eating would help and Will and I played light hearted games (Mario Party and Mario Kart). Regardless, I just kept feeling like something was missing.
Woke up in the middle of the night and headed to the kitchen (Didn’t feel tired – unusual) Almost stayed up but told myself – I ‘need’ to sleep, I have work tmrw. ---went back to sleep---woke up again around 6am….very unusual. Again – didn’t feel tired at all – just there. Ate cereal with Will and then he was gone. I tried doing my normal things I do in the morning and kept telling myself…I ‘need’ to brush my teeth, I ‘need’ to wash the dishes, I ‘need’ to get dressed, etc etc etc… and the feeling just stayed with me. Every step I made was another fight to keep living. The 3rd day of fighting – I just couldn’t do it anymore. I have to vent, I have to think though, and I have to gain my reason for ‘needing’ to do all the things I say I ‘need’ to do.
Unfortunately and fortunately, what I’ve been fighting to overcome – overcame me and I am feeling better – in a way. So now I get to live with the guilt or calling out, putting myself in harm, and facing Will. I don’t care about the world, but the one person that I have to face is what I usually fear the most ----every time.
All the time I gain and spend fighting….always ends up in vain. I just find it confusing that when it happens and I go through hours of contemplating/writing/ and ‘giving in’ I suddenly feel like doing things again.
Self Duplicity
Go lucky, smooth sailing
Time stops, slow failing
Found home, souls peace
Lost touch, thoughts cease
Content existing; averting
Minds timepiece; rewinding
Reckon protected; indiscreet
Feelings waivered; in defeat
Daylight, beckons night
Reality, beckons sight
Courage, encored coward
Conscious, encored closured
Obstinate glow; diffused
Lethal realism; confused
Residual tear; wounded
Psychosis wits; bloodshed
C. Lok
September 6th 2012
September 6th 2012
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