I’ve found that I may have been trying to change too many things at once. Keeping up with work, fostering, trying to get my hours in for wildlife rehab, saving up/not spending as much, wanting to change eating habits, spiritual life, etc etc – I could go on! There are just so many things I want to do/change and trying to have immediate outcomes is not possible or trying to change things you’ve been doing for years is not an overnight process ><. I know this but yet I still strive to want and do all the changes now and all at once which is tearing me apart instead of helping me – oi – so many things to do!

Well it looks like I’ll be able to keep at least one new year’s resolution. A new car! Will and I are set on getting one at the end of July/ beginning of Aug. A little late from our previous set time at first, but regardless, we are getting one! That will take pressure off me for a bit then I can focus on other things. But we are contemplating on getting a brand new car rather than used. There are pros and cons to both – we have decided to go look around either today or tmrw at the Prince Frederick, Bowie, and Waldorf Toyota dealerships to see if they have any 4th of July sales.

As for my sanity. I think I’m handling that pretty darn good. There was a waiver though near the end of May. I kept getting calls from my bio-mother. And every time it just upset me. I never answered or returned her calls. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was then decided that no contact for a few months would be best. This wasn’t all the therapist’s idea either – I think I had that already set in my mind I just needed for someone to tell me that it was okay. So…one day she called again. I ran outside so I didn’t have to hear her leave a message. Will realized that he had to ‘intervene’ and let her know what the plan was…(no contact with her for a couple of months). He talked to her in the car so I didn’t have to hear the conversation but when he walked through the front door I knew he was ‘pissed’.

So many things were said and he didn’t want to tell me but I kinda pressed the issue. He didn’t want her calling anymore – ever again. She basically chewed him out saying he was no good for me, that I was better when he was in England/HK and got worse when he came back, that it’s his fault that I have the problems I do (about the mental state I’m in), that the decision for no contact is wrong and she doesn’t agree with it. Will said he just let her go on and on – he kept his cool so to speak even though I could CLEARLY see that he was pissed off. She then pointed out that my physiological state is just me being drama queen and it’s his fault for spoiling me and ‘giving’ me everything. She wanted to talk about God and forgiveness and so forth.

Well…………needless to say – I went off the wall. My emotions raged. I tried SO hard to keep head straight and NOT inflict harm to myself. I was enraged. Not only did she actlike nothing she ever did was ‘her’ fault – she PUT the blame on my husband!!! Oh no – I don’t think so! She can say stuff about me and anyone else, but Will? No, no, no, she dug her own grave there. You better believe that I spent 2-3 days straight writing the perfect letter to her. I HAD to. I had to do ‘something’ to keep my head before I went crazy – literally.

Embedded in the letter were numerous things here’s some words straight from it:

---And to make this crystal clear - my number one relationship ‘on earth’ is my marriage. If I had to choose a relationship between anyone else it would be me and Will’s. All of this – has ‘nothing’ to do with him ‘spoiling’ me or not – my mental state – has NOTHING to do with Will AT ALL! To be straight forward – you’re everything to do with it – along with other factors. So don’t try to blame on Will saying along the lines of I got worse when he came back because that was NOT the case. I’m lucky that Will accepted me for who I am and the issues I came with because other guys would not have stayed – that’s a fact.

---I get what I want because I work my butt off for what I want – always have and always will. Will doesn’t just ‘give’ me things – if you really knew me then you would have known that, but you don’t know me. You haven’t been here long enough to know me. Just because I’m you’re daughter doesn’t mean that you ‘know’ me. I’m a completely different person than you. I may look like you but I’m not you. And are personalities are completely diverse.

Will is the only thing stable in my life and that’s what I need. He doesn’t make empty promises. All this wasn’t his idea or the therapist’s idea….I had already made my decision when I saw how things were going and how bad things got. My actions are my ‘own’. They both just re-enforced my decision. I’m trying to stop my ways with coping for Will because he at least deserves that.

So if you have any ‘love’ for me at all or really ‘care’ then you would UNDERSTAND this decision. I really just need a couple months of no interaction at all. If I was extremely serious I would just cut all ties, but I haven’t made that mindset and just want to see how I do in the now. Criticizing Will is like criticizing me so think twice before saying things to him or about him because he is a VERY rare person that always has his head on straight and I will back him up until I die. He is my most important person and anyone in a spiel with him will lose because I will always be on his side.

And in regards to the God/forgiveness talk:

I’m not taking my forgiveness back. I meant it when I said that I forgive you for past actions. But that still doesn’t change the feelings I feel and the hurt all over ‘again’. There is nothing that can be done about that. Feelings will always be there and it will be hard to trust again. Don’t give me or Will your propogantic Christian talks. Forgiveness is one thing but falling into the same issues over and over again is not.

It’s like this ----If I get bit by a dog it’s going to hurt. I may forgive the dog for biting me…but doggie and I aren’t going to be playing for quite sometime after and trust will be an issue.

All in all the letter was around 4 pages long. But enough about that, since then we have received no calls from her and not surprisingly I have been doing A LOT better. I even took down any pictures of her off my walls so I’m not reminded of everything so easily. So I’ve been doing better and now am just coping with life things. Trying to make changes and live more efficiently.
Expect it.