Back on schedule – for the most part anyway.


I’m thinking about what I want for myself. How I want to feel, how I want to be seen, what my interests are and how to I hone in on skills I never knew I had. Started asking myself what I want to do, and how do I get there. So many questions I’ve been asking myself and it’s leading me back to schooling.

Before I was against it completely because I really had no clues as to what I wanted to do and no direction at all. Plus, I’m not looking for a degree and I don’t want to switch jobs as I love my job I have now. All I want is to have something I’ve done for myself. I want my husband to have a wife he’s proud of even if it’s just an undergraduate certificate. For me I’m thinking that college isn’t just about pursuing a degree or better education – it’s about your self-worth and having something you’ve accomplished in life. There are hundreds of people who have degrees but do not work in the field that their degree is in! My husband is one of those people. But even though the line of work isn’t in their degree they still have that accomplishment in their life and can feel good about it. They can look back and say, ‘hey, I did this!’

For me, I don’t have that and it’s really wearing on my self-worth and I’ve been feeling useless, anxious, lost, and depressed. At first I was thinking it was just all around stress from my job, but actually it is mostly me and what I’m doing with myself. Of course the job I do have definitely added to the stress and made me all the more anxious and hard to deal with everyday problems. I had to remove my job for about a month and now I’m started back part-time to gain my bearings again. I needed to decompress and figure out what my true feelings are.

Finding yourself is hard. Change is extremely hard for me and my type of personality. So thinking of switching jobs and lifestyle was something that I would basically have panic attacks about! Nightmares, doctor visits, therapy sessions, medications, all of it! I really thought I would have to completely switch my whole life around and was close to doing it, but now I’m starting to find what I really need for myself.

Independence is extremely difficult for me as well since I’ve never truly had to experience it. I got a taste of it when I did some college and worked two jobs back when I got married. There were some parts of college I liked and others I absolutely hated. The two jobs, managing my money, school, books, banking, and social time just after getting married was almost unbearable. I had no desire to learn at school (except for art and math – I really liked those classes and did well in them). I had dropped out of a class the first week of starting and I had failed my English class due to classmates and teacher error which I will not go into detail about because it infuriates me.

I did enjoy the time by myself in between all that mess like my drives home and even stopping at the bank! Yes, I enjoyed going to the bank and managing my money. But that is probably because I was earning it by myself and, in my mind, managing it correctly. I’m guessing that counts as independence?

I was doing this all myself, but mainly because I was under pressure from family. I truly had no clue where I was going in life or what I wanted to do. And what I really wanted to do was just be with my husband. In the end I went against all teachings and trend. I quit both my jobs and basically went on zombie mode through the rest of college semester. I left the states to live in England for about 6 months with my husband and his parents. It was a money sucking waiting game all to ensure he got his K3 Visa. We went through a lot and he went through even more. My goal at that point in my life was just simply to be with him. I couldn't see anything else and was basically blinded by anything I ever wanted for myself in my life.

After all of that and finally back in the US I got my job doing something I love. Working with animals has always and forever been in my agenda so getting the job was basically symbolizing to me that this is it and all that’s left is to get a house and be completely on our own not relying on family. But as years have passed I've been having difficulties with my self-being and huge dependence on my husband.

Everything has gotten worse even though most people would look at my life in general as accomplishments I can't see it anymore. Sure I’m proud of where I'm at now, but that was all with being dependant on my husband. At least it’s the way I see it. I don't manage any part of my life now. I don't manage bills, money, appts, insurance, etc etc… I'm told that one person in the relationship usually does all that while the other just brings in the $$. My grandparents are like that so I don't see a huge problem with it. But too much dependence isn't good either. I just want some independence even if it's not in a financial way.

Also I’m an extremist, if I were to take a hold of my own banking account and income I would have to do it completely ‘on my own’. It is very hard for me to balance that with another person. It’s much simpler for me if I just do it all on my own with occasional help or not at all and let the other person do it. There is no middle ground with me – never ever has been with anything in my life. All or nothing! I completely rely on him in financial security.

I’m not even quite sure what part of my life I manage anymore. I really cannot think of much that I manage completely by myself. My self-worth has hit a low and I’m trying to find ways to boost that back up; which brings me back to schooling. It is something only I can accomplish. Sure I’m supported by my husband, but only I can actually do the work and accomplish something in my field of interest. That sense of self-accomplishment is, I think, what I am missing in my life.

The feeling of who am I? What am I doing? What should I be doing? These questions do not go away so easily no matter how many times I've ‘beat around the bush’. I need to do something about it. Sacrifices will be made I’m sure, but if it answers all my questions and feelings then it’s worth it.

I don’t know if other people have gone back to college for the same reasons as I. This will be strictly for self importance, mental health and achievement. Not for a degree or to get a better job; just a simple certificate in a field of personal interest to better myself as a person. And hey, if I like it then maybe I will purse education further! But for now I just need to do something for me. Just for me.