Been jogging a bit more and catching up on things I’ve wanted to do for a bit. Half way done a book I've been dying to read (actually it’s a series of books) and playing FFX/X-2. Which brings back memories since FFX was the first Final Fantasy I ever played. I remember it being LONG. But I had no guide or anything – I was just winging it! And that was the start of my FF craze.

Almost done with this ringworm problem and thank GOD for it! That uplifted my stress about 10times over. But then the stress is once again placed back on me. It’s just one thing after the next. At least two of my kittens Nori and Nisha got adopted together and now I have 4 kittens left to adopt…or keep before November. The odds are looking pretty bad right now. I had two little 4-5wk old kittens and Rekii (Ree-kee) the tiger kitten, who I’ve had since 10 days old, died in my hands. Itazu (E-tah-zoo), grey white fluff ball, still looks healthy and is doing great but Rekii’s death hit me pretty hard. Adorable little boy and girl. R.I.P Rekii.

Ienzo my, black and white kitten, may have FIP. It is non-curable and he only has a couple months (if that) to live. ;_; He is the sweetest kitten ever even though he’s been through so much. I am keeping him until he starts to show signs of suffering and then he will be humanely euthanized. It makes me sad and upset for him, but at least I can do this for him and let him live his life until he can’t any more.

Nuna, my long-haired fluff ball, is severely sick and cannot breathe properly. Her eyes water constantly and it appears that her immune system has gone to hell. She may be sick for the rest of her life.

Anreyu, the all white crazy cat, is doing fine out of them all and just has a tiny bit of ringworm left on her. I’m hoping she gets adopted soon. I had people interested but they all seemed like time wasters and now that I actually have her up for adoption no one wants to come adopt her.

Then…..I know I posted on fb about my cat Mochi. He died this past month. We are assuming he was hit by a car because Will found him on the side of the road at the end of someone’s driveway. That was sudden and unexpected. R.I.P Mochi

I also had 3 baby bunnies that I was rehabbing, but one died. Rabbits are really hard to rehab since they stress easy and have sensitive stomachs. I released them back near a thicket but still, my feral cat Toppi ended up getting one in his mouth and Will and I had to chase him. He dropped it and it ran off so I hope it knows better next time. I also got a baby squirrel that is just so adorable! (Until it wants to rip my face off that is xP) I really wish that I could rehab more, but with work, fosters, and not having a lot of space it’s difficult to take too much. At least squirrels are hardy! (*knock on wood* – with all the bad crap that’s been happening I’d better watch my mouth).

I’m just done with my life right now. This month has pushed me to my mental limits. I was doing so well too, but I can’t hold out forever. I don’t eat when I’m stressed and I just end up going into zombie mode. Work, sleep, work sleep. That’s all I want to do and all I feel like doing. I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything unless I know that I can just ‘get away’. But I’m tied down. Be it animals or job. This has been a crap last half of the year for fosters.

I’d rather not post about work too much. A lot is happening as far as construction in next few months and I’m the only kennel attendant T_T. I know I have others there that always help me out in the end, but then again – they are part time and not always there so of course I have to pick up where they left off etc…I really hope the next attendant is someone who knows what they are doing.

I want this month and all this crap to be over. Every single one of my foster kittens has something wrong with it. (Except Itazu – he seems ok for the moment). I have thoughts going through my head that aren’t healthy! I need a break. I just keep getting pushed. I can’t wait till November…that’s all I can say. I have to keep looking towards November and my trip out of here.

I’m at the point where every time I get up in the morning I have to struggle not to let things in my mind take control of my body. I write, talk to myself, and try to suppress it all just so I can make it through the day. Like now….I’m home alone…I’m typing this to try and help/release, but ya know what….I’m on the edge now. What happens after I’m done typing this? The only thing I know to completely stop me….take a shit load of sleeping pills and knock myself out. So in turn….I will sleep, work, sleep, work.

I don’t even feel hungry at this point – all my senses feel numb. The only other feeling I get is feeling that I want Will beside me…it’s very strong and I fight myself over that. He’s at work; he’s got things he needs to do. I need to stop calling him every time I feel like this and then end up feeling ‘abandoned’ when I know very well that he didn’t abandon me to feel this way – he has to work! UGH, but then I just go in circles….

I always think that I’m getting better. But then I think twice when things like this happen. Does anything work? Will I ever get better? It’s been too long. When I go back and look at the facts of when I first realized I had most of the symptoms of BDP I just look at them now and am like….’damn, what has changed?’ and ya know what – I can’t find anything….nothing other than that some have been suppressed a little bit. Therapy has helped – it’s the only reason why some have been suppressed in the first place.
When will I be able to say I don’t have BPD anymore? Or will I always have it for the rest of my life? Is there a cure? Or when things push me to the edge will these things just keep naturally coming into my mind and continue to be almost impossible to shove out?