Well it appears that I am falling back into my own traps again. You seem like your better and then –blah- you feel like you are right back to where you started. My resolutions are falling apart and I’m having trouble keeping them together. With all this ‘family’ stuff going on and trying to stabilize myself in all this – well…I’ve kinda let myself go these past two weeks.

Eating when I’m not hungry, spending needlessly, doing reckless things and for what? I want control of my life back. I want things to be like they use to be. I find myself just sitting here on the couch doing nothing really. I just feel like I need to go back to “I don’t care” mode. That I need to separate myself from everybody and everything just to keep my sanity. I’ve been eating nothing but cakes and candy for the past two weeks! I always feel like I want to throw up and I just can’t seem to stop…well…some of you know.

Just when I think I’m happy everything gets turned upside down. I feel like I can’t trust anymore – that I’ll never have that change to trust anymore. ----Long story short ---mom comes back….’moves’ back and plans to stay…everything seems fine then….NOPE. Just when you feel like there is going to be some kind of relationship it’s all f***ed over. I just want to hate 3 people right now so bad and it’s hard because I really don’t hate them. It’s all their faults for not being ‘adults’ and facing the problems. All everyone wants to do is just ‘run away’. My mom’s been running since God knows when, my dad always just thinks that problems will just ‘go away’ if he ignores them, and my brother is retarded in playing dad like a freakin’ piano and gets everything he wants – not even having the CHANCE to act like an adult and pay his own way.

So….if my mother and father can just ‘run away’ why can’t I just cut them all off and run away too? It’s SO much easier if you DON’T have to talk and DON’T have to face them and DON’T have to even care. Why can’t I run away too? Why do I have to ‘be an adult’? Ya know what….I just want to worry about MY life. I don’t care what anyone else does anymore. I’ll just worry about MY work, MY husband, MY pets, and MY problems. It is SO easy just to brush everyone else off and just focus on your own goals and be that cruel person that really doesn’t give a sh*t. (Believe me…I CAN be that person). But something inside really knows that isn’t right….but if I have to go through all the emotional stress and pain just so I can cover it over with the physical…is that REALLY worth it? Is it worth it just to hurt myself even more instead of hurting other people? Why do I have to be involved if I’m just going to be lied to all the time? I just want to say and believe – it’s not worth it.