It’s March already?!?! I feel like time is just slipping through my fingers as anxiety and impatience controls my mind.
-Warning: this will be a long post-

Our resolution is still going strong though there have been a few gap holes and as the saying goes ‘bad habits die hard’ has also been playing its role. We still plan to have a car by summer/fall time. We were kind of aiming for Spring at first, but that is where my madness begins.

Okay….I got two phone calls to my house. Both very unexpected under the terms they were calling in.

No. 1 - -
My Mother.
Now, for those of you that have known me you know I’m not talking about my ‘step’ mother; the one that treated me as if her own. No. I’m talking biological here. The one I haven’t seen in 10 years! The one that….well I won’t go into detail because I’m trying to rid the past even though it is coming back to haunt me…………………….….no I mean it…literally! My mother called me and she will be here on Friday March 9th at 1am in the morning with her 3 kids! Not staying with me of course but with grandma and that is plenty close enough for me.

I have very mixed feelings that I cannot begin to explain. I was thinking of taking off work but then thought “I’ve been waiting my whole life for her. If she’s changed and wants to make a difference by coming back then she can ‘make’ time for me. She is staying the whole month of March and I have PLENTY of regular days off w/out actually taking days off. Even her birthday falls on one of my regular days off! So I quickly disposed of that idea.

I want to express my feeling and emotion but it’s all tainted due to the next phone call I received.

No. 2 - -
Will’s Father.
Okay, of course I didn’t receive this call directly because I don’t speak good enough Chinese! Now what came upon this conversation hit me the hardest. Now, it didn’t hit me right then – it wasn’t until later that reality started to actually sink in.

The deal was. In Hong Kong there is an inheritance law stating that every FIRST born son of each family is given a piece of land. If the first child is a girl and the next is a boy – that family is not eligible. If there are two boys then ONLY the first one is given land. ---anywayz, Will is the ‘first’ born son. His father called and said that it is a great opportunity and he should take the land as it is just being given to him and he can just sell it (as we won’t be living there and land goes for a lot of $).

But there is a catch…..

He HAS to go to Hong Kong to do paper work and prove his identity, and he was told it was ‘preferred’ that he come ‘alone’.

The latter part was what didn’t hit me until later. When he got off the phone and told me what was going on I was all for it. He said that it would help towards house/car savings even though he’d be spending money now for travel that it would be worth it in the long run. His father is also going with him to help him get everything done and Will’s Chinese isn’t up to par so his dad can help him out.

The reason I was asked not to come was because it would be hard to travel with 3 people and the place that they are staying in Hong Kong is Will’s great grandparent’s house….which isn’t even really a house….if you can picture just holes in the walls for windows and a hole in the ground for a toilet then you already have a good idea of the conditions he’ll be staying in. He’ll be lucky if they have an outlet. So the cultural shock would NOT be good for me and travel makes me very uneasy figuring he has to fly to England first to hook up with his dad then fly 18-20 hours to get to Hong Kong.

The idea seems perfect. Fly over, get land, sell it, and be on our way to getting a house within a year. But the part that hit me hard later on was ‘alone’. This is where my madness begins – truly.



For what I’m going through most of you will not understand unless you have had similar experiences and have been through similar past traumas –if you will-. For the ones that haven’t you will probably see me as a crazed mad woman with no right mind; a person who has a serious attachment issue that needs to be address; a dependant child who needs to ‘get a life’ and ‘grow up’.

I do have a pattern of unstable and intense relationships (not all ‘romantic’ ANY relationship), as well as frantic efforts to avoid abandonment -- even if it's not real. – I cannot stress how much I CAN NOT just ‘stop’ and not think this way. And most people cannot understand why. I get these transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts that become worse when I think about separation. Those even happen on an everyday regular basis. EVERY SINGLE DAY – when Will drops me off at work and I give him a kiss good by and as I get out of that car I make a mental note to remember specifically what the last words he said to me and I to him because I always think ‘what if this is that last time I see him?’

If any of you know Will and I….we have NEVER been apart one full 24hr day for about 5 years. And as the week went on and the thought about me being alone, driving myself to work, sleeping by myself, and being in an empty house started to seep and corrupt my thoughts. I started to ‘freak’ literally. I tried numerous routes and paths and thinking up ways to get ‘around’ the situation. My mind would NOT stop thinking – I would think so much during the day that I would just fall asleep and be out. Wouldn’t hear a damn thing! Then I would wake up and it would start all over again.

I started calculating when he was leaving and how much time I had. I started working out my schedule ahead of time even when April’s schedule was no where near out and how many days I would need to take off just because he would be gone and I would be in an emotional wreck unfit to work or even drive to work for that matter! Then I though other ways of thinking – ‘he just can’t go’ or ‘I HAVE to go with him’. I talked to co-workers and they are just telling me to ‘stay busy’ ‘don’t take days off and just keep working’ – then I come back ‘BUT what happened when I have to drive myself home – I won’t WANT to go home’ ‘what happens when I wake up in the morning to a cold empty side of the bed?’ NO! I would tell myself.

Finally, after about 2 straight weeks of wearing and tearing down every obstacle and thinking of ways to try and get around this whole mess I finally went to my manager and told her what was going on. She understood more than I thought and I have decided that I NEED to face this issue. I gave up trying and I felt so much better after talking with my boss. This is how it’s going to be…and it’s going to happen. My mother is coming back and Will is leaving for 2 weeks.

My issue will have to be faced. I can’t be a robot like I want to be. A robot that will just work work work, don’t eat or sleep until he comes back. And I can’t be the hidden mouse that curls up in a ball in a dark house for two weeks not to be seen or heard from doing unimaginable things. I have to find balance btwn the two which is never and never was easy for me. I am one extreme or the other – always have been.

Well that was about a week and half ago maybe…my mind is running again. I want to run away from these problems. I do have issues that WILL have to be addressed and I cannot run anymore. This time I have to do what I’ve should have done and stayed on before. I am searching for help. Hopefully I will get it before my actions become more disconnected from my emotions and conscience detached.