Changes. ---Why does everything have to happen at the same time? Just when I think I've got one problem solved another one comes up. So my relationship had hit rock bottom - I mean like 'divorce' in the vocab rock bottom. Thankfully we were able to avoid that with drastic measures on my part and a change of mind in his. Choices mean everything - especially if you have a choice that pertains to your significant other. There are no 'accidents' only choices and we'll see in time how those choices are made. Trust has been broken down only to have to start all over again. Trust does not come easy and took 10+yrs to build - and all because of a choice it has been shattered. It will take another 10 or 20 or 30yrs before it fully comes back.

After that issue was slightly resolved I'm still feeling the after effects but looked at the brighter side that I still have my job and I love it. Well, that has been shattered as well. A place where things I thought were stable are no longer stable and have put me into an anxious wreck. Again, after years of investment, I feel as if I am getting screwed over. More people = more work? That makes no sense to me. I am overly stressed just thinking about an upcoming schedule that hasn't even come yet. I am losing sleep over it, I can't focus on my job over it, I become filled with anger to the brink of every ounce of me wants to fight back. I feel as if things are constantly being taken from me.

So it already seems as if 2017 is going to be a fight for my sanity over my relationship and my job. This year has not started off on the right foot or even a foot at all. It was broken before it started. So now I'm in a constant battle and am preparing myself for worse case scenarios. I know what I want from both sides and I will make them known. I will do what I know is best for myself and make my decisions accordingly. I am willing to compromise as I always have but I won't have everything taken from me. In my relationship, I want respect, truth, and transparency. In my job, I want stability, fairness, and compromise. These are unchanging. I feel like I've been wronged in both my job and relationship and now I feel I need to fight for these things and it is sad.

I will end my relationship before a choice is made over me and my feelings again; before I am profusely lied to over and over, and before I am disrespected as a wife.

I will end my job before I am overworked; before time is taken away from my loved one and family life, and before I no longer care for the lives that I am created to care for - compassion fatigue is real.

I want a balance. There was a balance and now it has been disturbed. I feel my trust is gone from my relationship to an extent, and my job is now upsetting my lifestyle as a whole. I love both my husband and my job. And I am in a constant struggle to keep both. I won't give up easily and I will fight because I care so much. But I have also learned to care for myself and I know when the battle is lost. So until I see that there is no hope I will keep fighting for both.