Okay - I rarely ask any favors from anyone ---RARELY--- but yet when I actually do favors for other people I seem to don't get a favor in return or just feel downright used...Am I selfish? Or am I actually right to feel this way? Can I feel this way JUST because it's my birthday soon? I don't know - I wish birthdays were just skipped over completely if they cause this much drama. I can even remember the last birthday I had that DID NOT have drama in it. So what is the point? Birthday's are just days that people feel that they HAVE to notice you...forget it. I would rather not be noticed.

The one thing that I TRULY want this birthday is to just escape. After all the things with my biological mom, step-dad, etc etc etc- I just want to give up on all of it and just get away and be with Will. But...I work this weekend and I figured well...if I just work on my b-day (Sat) then maybe I can leave with Will on Sat evening after work. Then I could have all of Sunday and Monday away from everything and then come home on Tues. But of course I work Sunday so that won't work out. And having to try and actually DO something on Sat evening is just hectic when you work early the next day. And if I still were to go somewhere (not saying where) I would be traveling ALL day on Sunday just to get there, have one day, and then come home the next morning - Not worth it. I hate owing people so I'm not going to ask someone else to take their time for me.

Sunday's are a bitch to go out at all after 12noon because of all the church people. I HATE crowds and waiting FOREVER to get into any restaurant- it's is not worth the stress. Then of course Will is only off on the weekends so leaving probably wouldn't work out anyway. He said he can take off BUT is that really right? I seem to be asking more favors of him to make up for others - which is wrong.

I don't know - maybe I am just selfish. And I know people prob will say "happy b-day" and I'll say thanks like I mean it---even though I know very well that it ain't so 'happy' and I'll only be 'happy' when it's gone.

"What do you want for your birthday?" - Well I can buy whatever I want to begin with and the real thing that I actually DO want - they can't give me. I'll end up settling for my fish tank. And that's really for the fish - not me. My angel fish needs a bigger tank to go in by itself since it likes to eat my tetras. Then I'll have a tank for the tetras and a tank for my angel fish - which will make him happy. Maybe I'll get some glo-fish.

Why do I get my hopes up for something just for my plans to be ruined all the time? Just one after the other over and over. When it all comes down to what I really want I never get it. Birthday after birthday it's just pointless. I have Will, my step sis, and my step mom - that's what it's all come down to. And that's all who I really go out with anymore. Screw making other plans because they always get f*cked over every time. I don't want a freakin cake, candles, presents, decorations - screw all that! It's so overrated. Don't even acknowledge me - it's really not worth your time.

All in all - I just want to act like everything is just the way it always is. I don't want to be treated 'special' or anything. It's a day of the year and that's it. Really nothing special. If she really cared anyway...she would have stayed - at least until then so I wouldn't have to go crazy trying to get the f*ck away from everything.